IMG_1951.jpg

Trash With Money

Episode 1.1

Maronna Mia!

by

Jennifer Gulbrandsen

FADE IN:

INT. TERESA'S KITCHEN

FLASHBACK 15 YEARS AGO: ANTONIO DEL PRINCIPE IS WITH HIS SISTER, TERESA, AT HER KITCHEN TABLE DISCUSSING HER SON, RICHIE, COMING TO WORK FOR HIM AT 'THE CITY CLUB.' TERESA IS FIERCELY AGAINST HER SON BECOMING INVOLVED IN WHAT SHE FEELS TO BE A FILTHY ENTERPRISE. NO SON OF HERS WILL WORK IN A GENTLEMEN'S CLUB. ANTONIO IS TRYING TO CONVINCE HER TO LET RICHIE WORK FOR HIM

Antonio and Teresa are sitting at her kitchen table. The exchange is in subtitled Italian.

ANTONIO

C'mon, Teresa. Richie is a good kid and I think he'd do well at the club. I'd teach him everything I know, and he could maybe take over the business one day. Can't have a boy out there with nothing to do! That's how they find trouble!

TERESA

What, like your boys, Tony? Michael out running the streets on a motorcycle like some kind of punk. Joey looking at himself in a mirror all day trying to be a big star instead of working. Nicky, my god, Nicky! A disgrace to his family and the Church, and baby Dominic is too young to know any better. The only son you have that's worth a shit is Angela, who should be home with her family instead of out working for you, and now you want my boy? My sweet boy around all of those whores?

ANTONIO

They're not whores, Teresa. They're nice girls classy guys want to look at. They're not even all the way nude, just topless. I run a respectable business completely above board, and I think Richie has what it takes to be good in business like me.

TERESA

You run a brothel dressed up to look fancy. You can put as much lipstick on that pig as you want, but it will never be good enough for my children. My children will be respectable! My Rita will marry a good Italian boy who might run a restaurant where breasts aren't on the menu, and my Richie will get a good job with a good company when he finishes school. Now, don't talk to me about this again! You might have money, but it is no good here. Our parents would be ashamed of what you built!

Antonio gets up, puts on his jacket, and stands in the doorway facing his sister.

ANTONIO

Ashamed? Ashamed that I take care of my family?! My ungrateful sister who passes judgment on me, but doesn't bat an eyelash when she cashes the checks I write to keep her lights on, her Cadillac running, and her kids in good schools. I am not a schlub with a pizza place or a time clock puncher with a 9 to 5 job that made me wish I were dead by the time I was 50, like your husband, but I have no doubt our parents would be proud of how well I do by all of you, and how I want your boy to carry it all on someday. But you're right, the only son I have worth a shit in business is Angela, so I will teach her, instead.

Antonio storms off. Teresa flinches at the sound of the slamming door.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

MONTAGE OF EACH OF THE DEL PRINCIPE CHILDREN ENGAGING IN THEIR VARIOUS MORNING ROUTINES. THE MONTAGE STOPS WITH ANGELA DRIVING IN HER CAR.

INT. ANGELA'S CAR:

Angela's phone rings. It's her cousin Richie.

ANGELA

Hey, Richie, what's going on?

RICHIE

Hey, Ang. Look, I've got some bad news. Ma died last night. Rita went over to check on her when she didn't answer the phone, and it looks like she passed away in her sleep.

ANGELA

Oh, Richie, I'm so sorry. I don't know what to say. She lived a long life and I'm glad she went peacefully.

Richie begins to openly sob on the phone, both Angela and her daughter exchange awkward looks and Angela rolls her eyes.

RICHIE

I'm sorry, Ang. Can you do me a favor and call your family? I'll let you know when we have arrangements made.

ANGELA

Yeah Richie, no problem. You take care.

Richie begins sobbing again and Angela quickly ends the call.

ANGELA (CONT'D)

That kid has always been the biggest spaz. His ancient mother died as ancient people tend to do. Lexi, honey, please don't act like that when I die. Get drunk like a normal person.

Angela calls her sister Gina

INT. SAME TIME. GINA TAKES THE CALL IN HER KITCHEN WHILE SHE GETS HER SON READY FOR SCHOOL

GINA

Hey, Angela. What's going on?

ANGELA

Just got a call from Richie, Aunt Teresa died last night.

GINA

Well, that's sad, but she lived a long..um...well, she lived a long life.

ANGELA

Oh, please. I'm going to be sick if everyone starts acting like she wasn't a rusty old cunt just because she's dead. I hope she's roasting in the pits of hell.

Angela looks into the backseat to see if Lexi has noticed the bad language, but Lexi is looking out the window with her headphones on.

GINA

C'mon Ang. Don't speak ill of the dead. She went to church every Sunday so she's at least parked in Purgatory until we pray her out.

ANGELA

Can I pray to keep her in purgatory?

GINA

I'm not sure how any of that works. Ask Nicky. So have they made arrangements, yet?

ANGELA

No. Probably the usual, wake in a couple of days and the funeral the morning after. Might take the mortician a while to get her upside down in the coffin as she's accustomed to.

GINA

Angela!

ANGELA

Ok, I'll stop. Look, I gotta call everyone else, I'll let you know when I hear something.

GINA

Ok, bye.

Angela ends the call with Gina and calls her brother, Michael.

INT. SAME TIME: MICHAEL IN HIS KITCHEN MAKING BREAKFAST

MICHAEL

Well, if it isn't my favorite older sister, Angela.

ANGELA

Michael, I'm in the car taking Lexi to fencing, so watch your mouth, you're on speaker.

MICHAEL

Fencing? Like sword fighting? Do we need her for the next French Revolution or something? Are they short a Musketeer?

ANGELA

Stop making fun. Fencing is an Olympic sport and there are tons of college scholarships out there.

MICHAEL

She's TEN.

ANGELA

It's never too late to plan for the future, Michael! And besides, I can't stand all of the waspy, cardigan wearing, dance moms with sticks shoved so far up their asses their eyebrows don't move right.

MICHAEL

And you told me to watch MY mouth?

ANGELA

Shut up. Listen, I'm calling to tell you Aunt Teresa died last night.

MICHAEL

Did they finally burn her for a witch? I'd offer my condolences, but I can't say I'm sorry. When is celebrating the end of this reign of terror happening?

ANGELA

I don't know, yet. Plan on the usual wake then service in the next couple of days. I already called Gina. Can you let the rest of the boys know?

MICHAEL

Yeah, I'll call them. I have no fucking clue where Dominic is, but I'll try.

ANGELA

Thanks. I'll talk to you later.

Angela turns to face Lexi in the backseat.

ANGELA (CONT'D)

Hey, Aunt Teresa is in a better place, honey. She was just crabby when she got older, and sometimes old people are mean is all. I'm sure she's up in Heaven having a good time.

LEXI

Probably not.

Angela arrives at the fencing school with Lexi and ushers her in.

FADE OUT

FLASHBACK 20 YEARS AGO

INT. DEL PRINCIPE LIVING ROOM

FLASHBACK SCENE WITH ANGELA, RITA, AND GINA BEING FITTED FOR FORMAL DRESSES. TERESA AND VERONICA ARE PINNING HEMS AND MAKING ADJUSTMENTS. ANGELA'S FITTING ISN'T GOING SO WELL AS SHE'S GAINED WEIGHT FROM HER LAST FITTING.

TERESA

(Struggling to get the zipper closed on Angela's dress) You gotta get this one to stop eating. She's so short and wide, we're going to have to call her meatball. Your girl's, they're opposites. One you can't get any meat on, one you can't get any meat off.

Teresa pokes Angela in the side with a straight pin

ANGELA

Ow! Jesus! What the hell, Aunt Rita?

Teresa smacks Angela on the bottom

TERESA

Watch your mouth! If there wasn't anything to poke there, you wouldn't get poked!

VERONICA

I think Angela looks lovely. I love the blue on her. Brings out her eyes.

RITA

And her rolls! Our little blue meatball.

Rita and Teresa share a snide giggle, Veronica looks uncomfortable, Gina sends a sympathetic glance to her older sister who is seething.

TERESA

Ah! It's a good thing you're smart, Angela. You'll be able to take care of yourself. We'll save the marrying well to Gina and Rita.

ANGELA

Rita gives the milk away for free, so I don't see anyone buying the cow anytime soon. Open like a 7-11.

VERONICA

Angela! Apologize to Rita right now!

Angela wrangles away from Teresa and faces the gasping faces in the room.

ANGELA

Why should I have to apologize? Because I'm short, fat, and smart? Ok, I'm sorry I'm not a perfect empty headed size two slut, already set ahead in me in life. We'll see how this all shakes out in about ten years. Pretty sure this meatball will be way ahead of the empty headed slut in the room.

Angela storms off to her room, with Gina following her sister down the hall. Veronica looks up helplessly at Rita and Teresa standing in shock.

VERONICA

What's a 7-11? How is Rita open like one? Ack, these kids and the American things they say.

FADE OUT.

FADE IN:

INT./EXT. GINA'S HOUSE/YARD PRESENT DAY:

A ROOSTER CROWS MAKING GINA'S TWO LARGE DOGS BARK, CAUSING HER TO SPILL COFFEE DOWN THE FRONT OF HER SUIT AGGRAVATING HER, BECAUSE THE NEIGHBOR'S NEW URBAN CHICKEN FARMING HOBBY CAUSES THE ROOSTER TO CROW CONSTANTLY, AND GINA HASN'T SLEPT FOR DAYS.

Gina marches out to the fence that divides the yards between the Del Principe family home and the family's long time neighbor and arch-nemesis, MUFFY EPSTEIN.

EXT. BACKYARD AT FENCE:

GINA

Mrs. Epstein! Mrs. Epstein! Can you come outside, please?

Gina hears the creaking of the back door and shuffling feet of old Mrs. Epstein as she makes her way to the fence.

MUFFY

Why are you yelling at me like you're in a hog calling contest, young lady? Where are your manners?

GINA

I'm sorry, Mrs. Epstein, but I'm in a hurry to get the boys off to school and myself off to work, and I need to talk about this rooster situation with you. Is there a way to make it not so noisy? He crows before dawn every morning, and all day long. It riles up my dogs and I have a hard time sleeping through it.

MUFFY

Pablito? I hardly hear him. He sure as hell isn't as loud as your ruffian boys and dogs.

GINA

Acutally, ma'am, he is. I was looking up the county code, and I don't think you can have this many chickens in town. I was hoping to settle this between us, so I don't have to call the code enforcer. It's really becoming a problem.

MUFFY

The code enforcer? Here I have lived next to you trashy people with your gauche NUDE statues... Yelling, uncouth... undesirables coming in and out, and you want to report an old woman for having a rooster and a couple of chickens? Shame on you, Jenny. I thought maybe you were the saving grace of your family with a bit of class and respect!

Gina can see through the fence that Muffy has become bored with the conversation and begins shuffling back toward her house shaking her head and mumbling about what trash the Del Principes are.

GINA

(Yelling) It's Gina, Mrs. Epstein! All I ask is that there's maybe a way to make it less noisy? I understand my boys and dogs are a bit loud, and I'll work on that, but they're not alerting the sunrise at 4am everyday!

Gina sighs and looks down at her high heels that have now sunken into the grass and then looks at her watch noticing that she is now running late.

GINA (CONT'D)

Shit. Motherfucking shit.

Gina stomps into the house calling her dogs in and yelling for her boys to get out the door before they miss the bus.

2 DAYS LATER

INT. RESTAURANT:

GINA AND ANGELA ARE HAVING LUNCH TOGETHER

GINA

So what do you think the wake is going to be like tomorrow night? Do you think the Giordano family judgment will be out in full force?

ANGELA

Oh you know how it goes... Rita and Richie will be there looking down their noses at us, pretending that their own lives aren't complete and total shitshows. Just keep me away from Rita. Dead mother or not, I'll pop that bitch right in the mouth.

GINA

Yeah, we're the trashy ones, but Richie's the only one who's had a mugshot and a scandal in the news. Every time I think of Aunt Teresa squawking, "My Richie is a cop!" I laugh and laugh.

ANGELA

(Imitating Aunt Teresa) "My Richie is a cop!" Yeah, lady, a cop who fucked someone in custody. Then when he got caught fucking an inmate in custody, the internal affairs guy investigating the whole thing got caught fucking Pamela, and then Richie had to run off to Texas with his convict love, while Pam divorced him and took him to the cleaners. You seriously can't write a better greek tragedy than that.

GINA

Yeah, well by Aunt Teresa's logic we have that scandal beat with our gay former priest brother. Her logic being that while her son and new daughter in law simply violate common decency, we OFFEND GOD. Logic totally checks out.

ANGELA

None of us have made the news, so we're winning. There will be a child there who was conceived through the bars of a jail cell. I rest my case. If Rita wants to act smug, I have no problem reminding everyone.

GINA

Please don't. Can we get through ONE family function without fisticuffs? Just one?

The drinks arrive at the table. Gina and Angela raise their glasses.

ANGELA

To bitter old cunts and the mess they leave behind.

The sisters laugh and toast their dead aunt.

GINA

Speaking of bitter old cunts...

ANGELA

I told you it was time to start dating again. You're gonna get cobwebs up there and start buying cats by the basket soon.

GINA

Not me, asshole, Muffy Epstein. She's decided to raise chickens. In Hoffman Estates. Not on a farm, on her fucking back deck. She's got this rooster who crows constantly, and like four hundred hens or something. It's making me insane. You ever hear chickens have sex? It's horrifying. I can't unhear it.

ANGELA

Well, she's playing with more cock than you are, that's for sure. The hell does that old bat need with chickens?

GINA

I have no idea, but I asked her if she could please find a way to at least keep the rooster quiet, and she went bananas on me about what pieces of shit we are as a family and the hardship is all hers. I was like, whatever, lady.

ANGELA

I told you we should have sold that house when Mom died. Muffy has been a pain in the ass for thirty-five years and will probably outlive all of us out of spite. But with out her, we won't have all of these 'old lady and her cock' stories to tell around the dinner table.

GINA

You laugh, but if you were getting the pre-dawn wakeup call.

ANGELA

I'd shoot the motherfucker from my bedroom window. Then I'd send over a bucket of chicken with my regards. Go full-fledged frightening Italian on her Presbyterian ass. Make her kiss my ring...

GINA

I'm hoping to go with a more diplomatic approach first.

ANGELA

That's adorable, but you know it isn't going to work. These old ladies like Muffy and Teresa are a whole different breed. They went through the Great Depression and World Wars. You can't break them with anything other than what they know. You gotta go Pearl Harbor on their asses.

GINA

Jesus, Angela.

ANGELA

What...too soon? You know I'm right, watch. You can bring all of the tea and crumpets in the world to that octogenarian terrorist, but we both know nothing is going to happen until Foghorn Leghorn is sleeping in a bucket of extra tasty crispy. You think if you had a dog that barked all day and night, she wouldn't feed it tainted meat? You think your cat ran away when we were kids?

GINA

Ugh. Why do the old ladies hate us so much? Are we going to become them some day?

ANGELA

Yes. Our husbands will die, and we will hate everything, especially younger women, and turn our internal rage outward to those around us. It's the way of the world. When I die, I'm sure Richie's convict baby will call me a cunt, too. Hell it was probably its first word. Circle of life, little sister.

15 YEARS AGO

INT. ANTONIO'S OFFICE AT THE CITY CLUB

FLASHBACK SCENE: ANTONIO IS WORKING IN HIS OFFICE WHEN MICHAEL ARRIVES DEJECTED AFTER HIS STARTUP FAILS AND HE HAS TO ASK HIS FATHER FOR MORE MONEY.

MICHAEL

Hey Pa, you got a minute?

Antonio takes off his glasses and leans back in his desk chair, folding his arms across his chest.

ANTONIO

You got that 'I need money' look on your face. What happened with the... What did you call it... Start me up...

MICHAEL

Start-up

ANTONIO

Yeah...what, it go under?

MICHAEL

Well, not exactly. We were valued at over forty million last week, and then now we're valued at about ten.

ANTONIO

Ten mil? You're in here pouting over ten mil? That ain't a lot. It'll come back.

MICHAEL

No, Pa, ten thousand.

ANTONIO

Maronna Mia, the hell happened? How do you lose forty million dollars in a month?

MICHAEL

Our IPO was overvalued, so we put our eggs in that basket, but when it came time for the investors to buy in, the bubble burst.

ANTONIO

And what did I tell you about playing with these poker chips? IPOs, investors, I know you say this internet thing is the future, but business is always going to be about things you can see and touch. You play with poker chips? The house always wins.

Michael looks dejected as his father lectures him. Knowing this, Antonio softens his tone.

ANTONIO (CONT'D)

Look, I know you want to be an entrepreneur like me. And I know you want to do your own thing and be self-made. But you gotta be smart, Michael. No more poker chips. You get a product or an experience, and you make that a big thing.

Antonio gets up and heads to the safe, opening it and taking out a stack of cash, handing it to Michael. Michael sheepishly accepts it.

MICHAEL

I'm sorry, Pa. I know I'm to old to come to you for handouts.

ANTONIO

You are, but it's not like you're being lazy. You're trying. Sometimes we fail. Do you know before these clubs, I had an idea for an ice cream shop on top of a sheet of ice like a skating rink? Waitresses on skates...I called it The Igloo. First week we were open, some kid slipped and cracked his head open. I didn't think about kids sliding around on ice in their shoes eating ice cream. Things that look good on paper, look good on paper. Capiche?

MICHAEL

I got it.

ANTONIO

Now, you go sell every flashy thing those poker chips bought you, and get back to the drawing board. I'm here to help if you need it. You'll get there, son. And if you decide you want to go into the family business, I'm sure we can put some of your ideas to work.

Michael hugs his father.

MICHAEL

Thanks, pa. I'm gonna make you proud.

ANTONIO

You already do. I know it may not seem like it because I wanted Richie to join the business. I don't think he's better than you son. He's a worker bee. People who lack vision and passion make good worker bees. He's a two-step command kind of kid, so his job doesn't need to be his vision or his passion. So when your Aunt Teresa wants to brag about how much better Richie is than you, remember he's a good grunt.

FADE OUT.

PRESENT DAY/LATER IN THE EVENING:

INT. ANGELA'S KITCHEN

ANGELA AND MICHAEL ARE AT ANGELA'S KITCHEN TABLE. MICHAEL HAS COME OVER AFTER DINNER TO TALK ABOUT A NEW BUSINESS VENTURE WITH HOPES ANGELA WILL GIVE HIM MONEY TO GET HIS IDEA OFF THE GROUND. ANGELA HAS LITTLE PATIENCE WHEN IT COMES TO MICHAEL'S BUSINESS VENTURES SINCE NONE OF THEM HAVE SUCCEEDED.

ANGELA

No, Michael. No more money for these things. If it's a job you need, I have several with the businesses to choose from. Pick one. But, I can't keep sinking money into things that always fail.

MICHAEL

See? You're being negative. These oils are going to change the world. Holistic medicine is booming, and people are looking for alternative therapies every single day.

ANGELA

Do you hear yourself? It's fucking coconut oil, Michael. If it were going to cure cancer, it already would've done the job. I'm not trying to shit all over your dreams, I'm just saying you're not getting any money for this. If you need a loan? Go to the bank. I'm still waiting for Bitcoins to bring peace to the Middle East or whatever life changing thing you promised with all of that. What'd you lose, half a mil? Come run one of the clubs, and you'll make that, then maybe do this on weekends.

MICHAEL

Ugh, Angela! I'm not a desk job guy, I'm an entrepreneur.

ANGELA

I hardly think running a gentlemen's club qualifies as a soul sucking desk job. Besides I need the help, and you would be good at it.

MICHAEL

No, Angela. I know I've failed a lot, but I have a really good gut feeling about this. I know this one is a winner.

The two sit in silence for a moment as Angela thinks about what Michael has said.

ANGELA

Ok, here's what. If you raise the capital to open your location, and keep it open in the black for a month, you will have your money.

Excitedly, Michael jumps up to hug his sister.

MICHAEL

Deal. You have a deal. But, I'm not working in the club. I have to focus on my business.

ANGELA

Well, then I look forward to coconut oil being the cure for cancer.

FADE OUT.

NEXT EVENING

INT. ST. ISIDORE NARTHEX:

THE FAMILY BEGINS TO ARRIVE AND GATHER FOR AUNT TERESA'S WAKE.

Gina arrives with her sons and sees her younger brother, Nicky, milling around mixing with people. Gina lets her boys go off with their cousins, and heads over to have a word with her brother.

GINA

Hey, Nick. Are we the only Del Principe's here?

NICKY

So far. I paid my respects to our dearly departed Aunt, and gave my regrets to Richie and Rita.

Nicky motions over to a good looking guy standing in the far end of the narthex talking with other mourners.

NICKY

Thought you'd like to know Jimmy Messina's here, just in case you want to fuck a cousin in the bathroom during a family function again.

GINA

Maronna Mia! You jerk. Ok, first of all, he's not our cousin, he's our step-cousin, so put your banjo down. Second of all, we were 19.

NICKY

YOU were 19. He was getting married a month later. Slut.

GINA

Hey, I'm an honest ho. I made him take me to the Olive Garden the second time.

NICKY

Oh my god! There was a SECOND time? And the Olive Garden? Love yourself, girl. You're at least a Carrabas lay. This explains why he apologized to our parents.

GINA

What?

NICKY

Yeah, when you went back to school after the Holidays, he came over and apologized to them for breaking your heart because he was getting married. He made it sound like you had this crush on him.

GINA

Well, I'm not going to expect a guy who fucks his cousin in the bathroom during the family Christmas party a month before he gets married to do the honorable thing and keep his mouth shut. What a dirtbag.

NICKY

A divorced dirtbag now. Still looking good though, so if you want some Chicken Alfredo and unlimited breadsticks, I know a guy.

GINA

Asshole.

Gina locks eyes briefly with Jimmy from across the room. They share a secret smile, but Gina's attention is broken by Nicky motioning her to something happening on the other side of the gathering. It's Teresa's grieving adult children. Richie is bouncing a baby in his arms, while his new wife chews gum and looks bored.

GINA

Jesus, if Aunt Teresa knew someone with a neck tattoo was front row at her wake...

NICKY

Sometimes justice is poetic. She hated everyone, so it's only fitting her son ended up with an ex-con with Frankie tattooed on her neck.

GINA

That has to make things awkward during sex...to look at another man's name tattooed on your wife's neck. Like, you think he's jealous Frankie got a spot on the neck? Does she have Richie's name anywhere? I have so many questions...

NICKY

I mostly want to know how fucking someone in a jail cell works. Do you go through the bars? Does she just back up and present her ass like a baboon, and he goes to town through the bars? Or do you get extra freaky and go through slot where they pass meal trays? I have to admire the sheer amount of game that girl has. Richie literally threw everything away to fuck a chick with a neck tatt through steel bars.

GINA

And we thought romance was dead.

Angela enters the narthex with her husband and daughter.

GINA (CONT'D)

Oh look, Ang is here. Let's keep her away from Rita, lest we have a repeat of 'The Great Christening Brawl of 2012.'

NICKY

Good call.

Nicky waives Angela over after she pays her respects at the casket.

ANGELA

Undertaker didn't glue her right eye shut all the way, so it looks like she's blinking. Fucking creepy.

NICKY

Only you would notice that.

ANGELA

So Nicky, as the defrocked clergy of the family, is it possible to pray someone into hell? Like, do we really want this soul out of purgatory? I bet she'd haunt the shit out of us, too. Mostly, you, for giving God the middle finger. Twice.

NICKY

I don't know. I think Teresa's immortal soul has its hands full with what she's witnessing now front row at her wake.

Nicky gestures over to Richie and his new wife. Angela stifles a laugh when she notices the neck tattoo and general attitude of the newest member of the family.

ANGELA

Oh I love it. Thug life in the first row. I'm sitting third row because I have to see this trainwreck up close. You know the ex-wife is going to be here with the other kids in a while. What a fucking goat rodeo. I love it.

JOEY and Michael arrive joining their siblings, and the family mills around catching up with everyone. JIMMY MESSINA saunters over to say hello to the Del Prinicpes.

JIMMY

Well, if it isn't my favorite branch of this family. It's been a long time. Gina, you haven't aged a day since the last time I saw you.

NICKY

She still fucking loves the Olive Garden, too.

Gina shoots her brother a look while the other siblings stifle a giggle. Jimmy looks confused, but continues:

JIMMY

Ah, I see. Well, I'm going to go say hi to Richie and Rita. Nice to see you guys...Gina...

Jimmy walks away from the group. Gina blushes with embarrassment as the siblings tease her.

JOEY

Geeeennnnaaaaaahhhh...there's a handicap stall with your name on it. Just like old times.

MICHAEL

I'll even throw in dessert for old time's sake at the Olive Garden.

ANGELA

I still can't believe you blew someone for a trip to the Olive Garden. You couldn't negotiate Macaroni Grill?

NICKY

Right? That's what I'm saying. A cousin blow job is AT LEAST Carrabas. At. Least. I can't believe I'm just learning about this family legend today.

GINA

Fuck all of you. You've all done way worse.

JOEY

Yeah, but we don't pretend to be perfect, so this is all we got.

The family continues to mill around socializing, Nicky and Gina careful to keep Rita and Angela separated. Richie's ex-wife, Pamela, has arrived with their three teenagers, and Pam sees Richie's new wife, Marisol, for the first time, causing obvious tension.

JOEY

You know, at least Pam doesn't have to feel bad that Richie went out and snagged a hot 22 year old or anything.

GINA

I don't know... Don't you think it's worse to have your husband leave you for the ex-con involved with him in an embarrassing scandal?

MICHAEL

Wouldn't have been that big of a scandal if Pam hadn't revenge-boned the internal affairs investigator. It only blew up when they had to drop the charges against Richie because she did that.

ANGELA

Are you kidding? If Bobby banged a solid four in a jail cell and got arrested for it? I'd revenge fuck every warm body around me in a 25 mile radius. Mailman? Fucked. Dog catcher? Fucked. Pool boy? Fucked twice on a Tuesday. Hot cop investigating my husband's misconduct? Fucking him on camera and sending the pictures to everyone I know. I want to hug her it's so brilliant. He didn't go to jail, but he had to leave town and now he's raising a midlife baby with a walking neck tatt. I have never seen sweeter revenge.

GINA

Anyone hear from Dominic? Is he coming?

JOEY

Fuck that kid.

ANGELA

Fuck that kid.

NICKY

Yeah, fuck that kid.

MICHAEL

I called and left him a few messages. Who even knows where that kid is at. My guess is a trap house on the West Side.

GINA

Well, maybe he will show up.

MICHAEL

Let's hope not.

From across the room, Richie sees the Del Principes talking and makes his way over to the group.

RICHIE

If it isn't my good for nothing degenerate cousins.

MICHAEL

Hey, Richie. How you holding up, man?

RICHIE

Oh, fine. Fine. She lived a long life. I think Marisol and I are gonna move back up and into Mama's house. Have you guys met Marisol, yet?

The group all look over to Marisol who is snapping her gum and cracking her knuckles while rocking the baby stroller with her foot.

GINA

Not yet! But she seems lovely.

ANGELA

Yeah, I noticed Pam and the kids are here. Kinda awkward, right?

An awkward silence falls among the group as Richie now looks physically uncomfortable.

RICHIE

A little...look, I wanted to talk to you guys about something. With Marisol and I moving back up here from Texas, I was hoping that maybe you had work for us at The City Club or any of the other businesses. I can't exactly get back into police work with what happened, but I was hoping I could maybe manage one of the clubs or do security or somethin'. Maybe find something for Marisol, too?

ANGELA

Now I know your mother is gonna start spinning the second they put her in the ground...

RICHIE

What?

ANGELA

Nothing. It's just that your mother wasn't really a fan of the family business, and didn't want you guys involved in any of it, and here you are. So what special skills does Marisol have? Chain gang? License plates? Shivs?

RICHIE

Hey, we all make mistakes. She did her time and deserves a chance to turn her life around. Once you meet her, you'll love her. She's incredible.

The group again looks over at Marisol who is now picking her teeth with a Swiss Army knife.

ANGELA

I'm sure she's a gem, but what skills does she have?

RICHIE

Well, she's so sexy, how about being a dancer or a cocktail girl or something?

Nicky bursts out laughing and Gina shoots him a look to be quiet. Joey and Michael stifle their smirks.

ANGELA

A dancer? At The City Club? Has she danced before?

MICHAEL

Anywhere besides a lunchtime truck stop buffet?

GINA

Michael!

RICHIE

Are you saying that my wife is ugly? That she isn't good enough to dance at the club?

GINA

Oh Richie, no one is saying that. I think we're just confused about you being okay with your wife dancing at the club. Wouldn't that make you uncomfortable?

JOEY

I know I'd be uncomfortable with that much woman on my lap.

GINA

Joey!

RICHIE

I know she's a bigger girl, but she's beautiful and sexy! All those girls at the club are skin and bones with bolt on fake tits.

MICHAEL

Yeah, the idea is for guys who want to spend time with hot women who DON'T look like their wives.

RICHIE

What's wrong with Marisol? Beautiful girl, sexy as hell...

ANGELA

I'm sure we can find something for her to do, I don't think she's a good fit for a dancing position, though.

RICHIE

How is she not a good fit to be a dancer?

ANGELA

Well...um...she...um...we have a certain aesthetic at the club.

RICHIE

I see. Skinny white girls only. Bunch of fat-phobic racist assholes.

ANGELA

Oh for fucks sake, Richie, she has a goddamned neck tattoo! I can't have Shawshank Redemption over there dancing for high rollers!

A hush falls over the room as Angela raises her voice to make her point. Rita sees this exchange, and walks over to the group.

RITA

Angela, I'm so sorry my mother's death has upset you. I never knew you cared so much for her.

ANGELA

I'm sorry for your loss, Rita. Now, fuck off. I'm talking to Richie about a job at the club. We were discussing a position for the newest Mrs. Giordano.

RITA

Oh no, no, no. Richie, you are not going to work for them. What about getting back on the force like we talked about? You have a clean record, no reason to act desparate.

ANGELA

So yo have to be desperate to work in our clubs, Rita?

RITA

Desperate among other things...there's also a lack of moral character, ethics, religion, self-respect...

ANGELA

Because you're the patron saint of all of those things, right? Is that why your middle daughter is as blonde as the North Star and looks just like your tennis coach?

GINA

Angela--

RITA

We have blonde genes in the family! They're recessive!

Angela looks around the room.

ANGELA

When the fuck has there ever been a blonde in this family? I mean, one time we had a red-headed cousin, but I think we drowned him for being a genetic anomaly.

[Pan to redhead cousin in question - gives wave]

GINA

Angela, enough.

RITA

Say what you want about me, Angela, but we all know you're as trashy as they come. You're proof that money can't buy you a shred of class. You run your father's titty bars. Quit acting like it's anything more than that.

ANGELA

It is more than that. We help students, single mothers--

RITA

Yes, I forgot...upward mobility through nipple tassels. Such a noble cause.

ANGELA

Gina, get her away from me before I hit her.

Gina gets between Angela and Rita, gently trying to lead Rita away from the group. Rita pushes Gina away a little too hard, causing Gina to lose her footing, making her crash into Joey.

JOEY

Hey! That's enough!

ANGELA

Don't touch my sister, you fucking cow!

A mele ensues as the families converge into a huge brawl. Everyone is fighting, even the kids, while the priest looks on in horror as he stands next to the casket. Chairs are flying, punches are thrown, and the fight shows no signs of letting up.

In the chaos, Jimmy finds Gina in the fray, and leads her into the bathroom, locking the door. They have a steamy hookup while the fight rages on outside.

FADE OUT.

THE NEXT MORNING

INT. ST. ISIDORE SANCTUARY

IT'S TERESA'S FUNERAL, AND THE FAMILIES ARE SITTING IN THE PEWS DURING THE SERVICE. THE GIORDANOS ARE ON ONE SIDE, AND THE DEL PRINCIPES ARE ON THE OTHER. EVERYONE IS WORSE FOR WEAR AS THEY SIT IN THEIR SUNDAY'S BEST WITH VARIOUS MARKS OF FIGHTING LIKE BLACK EYES AND BRUISES. RITA AND ANGELA CONTINUE TO EXCHANGE HEATED GLANCES WITH ONE ANOTHER.

JIMMY AND GINA ALSO SHARE KNOWING GLANCES WITH EACHOTHER DURING THE SERVICE AFTER THEIR STEAMY HOOKUP DURING THE FIGHT.

TWO HOURS LATER

EXT. QUEEN OF HEAVEN CEMETARY

THE FAMILY IS MILLING ABOUT AFTER THE GRAVESIDE CEREMONY AS RITA IS INTERRED.

Jimmy sees Gina send her sons ahead of her to the car, and walks up to her seizing the opportunity to catch her alone.

JIMMY

That was the weirdest thing I've ever seen.

GINA

You've been in this family how long, and you think something's weird?

JIMMY

It's weird no one here thinks it's weird. Why'd we have the graveside service in that little chapel instead of, you know, by the actual grave?

Gina stops and looks at him amused, then she laughs.

GINA

I keep forgetting you're not Italian.

JIMMY

Nope, just the Italian last name. I was A-WOP-Ted.

GINA

(Visibly cringes) Classy. You don't get to say that, you know. Anyway, they do that because they got sick of bereaved Italian widows throwing themselves into the empty graves. In this case, they were probably afraid my sister would clothesline Rita into the hole.

They share a laugh, and walk momentarily in awkward silence.

JIMMY

So, what are you doing after this?

GINA

Dropping the boys at school to finish the day, then probably acting bereaved so I get the rest of the day off of work to do nothing.

JIMMY

Wanna do nothing with me?

GINA

I don't know, Jimmy. Should we?

Gina feels Jimmy grab her ass, and he whispers in her ear.

JIMMY

Yes. At least one more time. Family tradition. Once in the bathroom, once in the bed. It's what Aunt Rita would have wanted.

GINA

You're so fucking gross. Ok, go to the family lunch while I drop the boys off, and meet me at my house. I'm at the old house in Hoffman. I'm sure you remember how to get there.

JIMMY

With my eyes closed and my boner pointing due north.

GINA

Ugh. You're so fucking gross.

Gina walks away shaking her head half cringing/laughing. Jimmy watches her smiling to himself. Joey comes up beside him and slaps him on the back.

JOEY

Thinking about returning to the scene of the crime, Messina?

JIMMY

Crime implies someone is doing something wrong.

JOEY

Hurting my sister would be a crime. Just remember you're never too far from the family.

JIMMY

What's with all the mob bullshit in this family? You guys are maniacs who own strip clubs. Quit acting like this is some kind of Cosa Nostra deal. I'm a pharmaceutical rep. You're an actor. No one is leaving the gun and taking the cannoli.

JOEY

Fair enough. But is that a theory you really want to test? We just went Wrestlemania at a wake. See you at lunch.

Joey walks off as Jimmy stands there shaking his head.

FADE OUT.

TWO HOURS LATER

INT. GINA'S BEDROOM

GINA AND JIMMY ARE IN HER BED POST COITAL LAUGHING, THEN GINA GETS QUIET FOR A SECOND.

JIMMY

What are you thinking about?

GINA

How long I've known you, and how happy I am my parents aren't alive for you to apologize to them again.

JIMMY

Two star crossed lovers. She a girl of ten, he a boy of thirteen, slow dancing to Bon Jovi at Rita's wedding.

GINA

Jesus. You remember it was Bon Jovi?

JIMMY

Not only do I remember that, it was 'I'll Be There For You.'

Jimmy starts singing into a fake microphone. Gina laughs hysterically.

GINA

Awww. That's almost sincere and cute. Well done. I almost believed you for a second.

A sad look falls over Jimmy's face and he falls back onto his pillow.

JIMMY

Who told you not to trust me? One of your brothers? A cousin?

GINA

What? Why would anyone tell me not to trust you?

JIMMY

Because you've always been so standoffish with me. I feel like we've had these moments throughout our lives and you just skip along to the next thing.

Gina sits up in bed; incredulously glaring at Jimmy.

GINA

Wait, what?! Jimmy, I don't trust you because I have eyes and ears, and I'm not a dumb girl infatuated with you. You think I'm going to trust a guy who boned me with his fiance in the next room and then married her the next month? You're such a dirtbag.

JIMMY

I married Jill because you went back to school. That's why I apologized to your parents.

Gina gets out of bed angrily, throwing on a robe, and squares off to Jimmy at the foot of the bed.

GINA

The ego on you!

JIMMY

I know, it's almost as big as my dick.

GINA

And you're perpetually twelve. You went to my parents to apologize to them that you had to marry Jill and break my heart because I went back to school? What is this 1956? I went to school four hours away, you had a car. Don't pin this on me. You felt good about nailing a college girl, and then got the thrill of doing the noble thing, by outing us to my parents to clear your conscience. Who thank God didn't have enough command of the English language to understand what you were saying, or wouldn't believe I'd fuck you. But why don't you trust me, Gina? Gee, Jimmy, I have no idea why. Not every female falls madly in love with you. I sure as hell didn't.

JIMMY

Yeah, I'm terrible. But now I own it, which makes me a better person, if that makes sense. I don't exist except to do the right thing by my kids, and what makes me happy. You should try it.

GINA

What?

JIMMY

Maybe drop the Golden Child act and embrace the dark side.

GINA

Fuck you, I am not perfect, but I am not on your level.

JIMMY

Sure you are. You're actually worse because you're calculating everything like a chess game.

You didn't give three shits about Jill twenty years ago, had your fun and went back to school. Last night you didn't give three shits that your sister was giving your cousin the people's elbow in front of your dead aunt, and didn't bat an eye when I pulled you into the bathroom.

GINA

I've never cheated on anyone.

JIMMY

If you were still married and he were in the room last night, would it have mattered?

GINA

Well--

JIMMY

No. Just like it didn't matter to me Jill was in the room twenty years ago. And for the record, I didn't cheat on her again after you.

GINA

I'm supposed to believe you?

JIMMY

Believe me or don't. Have you fucked anyone else in a bathroom in twenty years?

Come here, you beautiful idiot.

Gina relents and returns to bed where she and Jimmy embrace. He starts singing, "I'll Be There For You" again.

GINA

Jesus. Do you ever stop?

JIMMY

Never. Can't stop. Won't stop.

GINA

I can't start to like you if you make me cringe inside out every five minutes.

JIMMY

You'll get used to it, or murder me. Either way I'll have fun. So how about some Olive Garden?

GINA

Oh, here we go with the Olive Garden. Did it ever occur to you that I'm better than microwaved noodles?

JIMMY

Again, did you ever think you were down with microwaved noodles after some hot sex because that's fun, comfortable, and not everything has to be a declaration of how wonderful you are?

You don't even believe that. You know that's the weird misogynistic Godfather shit your family is into.

GINA

They're your family, too. You've been around 30 years. Your step-father is my Dad's first cousin. We probably need to move to West Virginia.

JIMMY

Look, I'm half normal. My mom's family are boring-ass North Shore WASPS who eat casseroles and have garden parties. My Dad's family is from Iowa where they have campfires and card games bet on with dimes. This family? Drinks too hard, fights too hard, loves to hard. Everything is in extremes. Not normal.

GINA

It's how we're so dynamite in the sack.

JIMMY

You ain't never lied, cuzzo.

Gina starts pummeling Jimmy with pillows.

GINA

You are so fucking gross! Now get dressed. I need some breadsticks to get the taste of your dick out of my mouth.

JIMMY

There's my girl. The dark side looks good on you.

FADE OUT.

A FEW HOURS LATER

EXT. GINA'S BACK YARD

GINA RETURNS HOME FROM LUNCH WITH JIMMY, AND LETS HERSELF IN THE BACK GATE TO CHECK ON THE DOGS.

One of her dogs comes up to greet her at the gate, but the other one is missing. Gina calls out to the dog and starts looking for him. She notices him under the back porch and goes over to investigate. On her hands and knees now, she sees that the dog has something dead under the porch.

Muffy's rooster, Pablito.

GINA

Oh shit. Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit. Shit, shit, shit, shit. SHIT!

Gina jumps to her feet and runs into her kitchen looking for rubber gloves,and can't find any, so she puts two plastic grocery bags over her hands, grabs the broom, and heads back out to the yard.

She tries to coax her dog out from under the porch, but he's growling at her and guarding his kill. She starts to shoo him out with the broom, which works, but then the other dog picks up the dead rooster and starts running around the yard. Gina chases the dog around the yard until she catches him and has the dead rooster in her hands.

Panicking, she lobs the dead bird over the fence into Muffy's yard and quietly brings her dogs into the house. Later that day, when Gina is working at her desk, she hears the old woman next door scream upon making her gruesome rooster murder discovery. Gina grimaces, feeling guilty about what happened, until the next morning when she sleeps until 7am without interruption, and gives her dogs treats for a job well done.

SUNDAY EVENING

INT. ANGELA'S DINING ROOM

It's Sunday night, which is the standing family finner night where all of the Del Principe siblings get together at Angela's house. Gina is telling the rooster story...

MICHAEL

(Hysterically laughing) So you just Godfathered that thing over the fence? That's so wrong!

GINA

I panicked! I picked it up, looked at it, and freaked out! I just wanted it away from me.

ANGELA

I like it. You sent a message. Fuck with me? The rooster gets it.

JOEY

It's really a next level cock block. Lucky for Gina, the last forty-eight hours have reminded her what to do when she has a stiff cock in her hands.

The table groans and laughs.

GINA

Yeah, get the thing as far as possible from me. But seriously, what if I get arrested for chicken murder?

NICKY

Well, technically you didn't murder the chicken. You just disposed of the body, so it's a lesser offense. But I'm sure if it comes down to you doing hard time, Marisol can help you out with that.

GINA

God, no. So Ang, are Richie and Marisol working in the club, now?

ANGELA

Yeah, Ricie is running security at all of the Chicago clubs, and I have Marisol doing purchasing for the Old Town club. She's actually an ok gal. Terrifying, but one I'd like to have on my side in a dark alley, or when Rita's around. I get great satisfaction knowing it pisses her off to no end to have Richie there.

MICHAEL

What do you think Aunt Teresa thinks as she looks up from the flames of Hades and sees all of this playing out? Richie ending up working for the club, an ex-con with a neck tatt living in her house, Gina fucking Cousin Jimmy--

GINA

Jesus, Michael! Can you NOT?

NICKY

Can YOU not? I mean, it's Jimmy. Jimmy who is the Captain of the USS Cringe. When Ma died, the first thing he said when he paid his respects at the casket was, 'Damn she always had great tits. First thing I ever jerked off to.'

MICHAEL

Did he say anything about Aunt Rita's tits at the funeral?

JOEY

Something excited him, because he immediately shagged Gina in the bathroom.

ANGELA

Jesus, Gina. I told you to start dating again, not use family gatherings like Tinder. But I guess the devil you know and all that...

The room laughs.

GINA

Knock it off, guys. Jimmy makes everyone cringe inside out, but he's not that bad.

MICHAEL

He spring for something better than Olive Garden this time?

GINA

We are a family of traditions.

The room erupts into mock horror and shouts of 'Gross!' 'No!' 'Weird!'

GINA (CONT'D)

Ok, ok, knock it off. The poor guy isn't here to defend himself.

Nicky notices Gina blushing when she says this.

NICKY

Holy shit, Gina. You like him? Jimmy 'my boner' Messina?

GINA

I don't know, yet. I know he's a bit of a mook, but there's something endearing about him. I'm appreciating what he has to offer right now in the moment.

JOEY

(Imitating Jimmy) My boner and some breadsticks, bro!

The room errupts in laughter again as Gina mockingly puts her head in her hands and shakes her head.

ANGELA

Yep, I think it's safe to say Aunt Teresa is horrified in the hereafter. Point, Del Principes.

The room raises their glasses and toasts.

FADE TO BLACK

END EPISODE 1.1